Back

I know I haven't posted in a while. I wish I could say that this is because I'm getting better but it's not. In the past month I have had two marathon binges that both lasted two days. I just had the second one and can't even describe the guilt and struggle I'm going through now. I know I'm wasting my life. It's not only the fact that I ate a shitload but I wasted two days in bed when I have plenty of things to get done. This fucking bulimia is ruining my life and it's my fault for letting it get the best of me. Not only is it ruining my life but my friends and family, who are trying so hard to be tolerant and help me, but I know when I'm in that state I'm like a brick wall. I don't know whats wrong with me. I can't keep treating people like this. At this point I'm not only doing this to myself. I'm affecting everyone around me.

i hate myself

OMG I ate again. I am so fat. It wasn't even goo. I didn't throw it all up. I'm freaking out. I want to kill myself. I'm gonna get so fat. Here's what I just ate:
mini wheats with chocolate milk
peanut butter and jelly
two chocolate chip waffles with vanilla icing
chips with cheese and con queso

...

Just send me away

Can't believe I did it again. Didn't even try to fight it last night. My parents went upstairs and I just took advantage of my opportunity. That's the second time this week and now I want to do it again. This is ridiculous. I have so much to do and I feel like a complete waste of life. I don't even want to tell Taylor about this. Everyone will just get fed up with my bullshit. I'm surprised I still have parents. I suck.

Yet another slip up

I know it's been a while but I really need to vent. My binging has cut down to about once every 2 weeks so I guess I've made progress, although it doesn't really feel like it. I binged last night and felt like absolute shit today. The only reason my binge didn't carry on through today is because I had to work so I worked out and then went to work. I didn't feel as fat as I thought I feel at work so maybe I threw everything up. It sure felt like it. Something has changed about my binges though. They aren't as enjoyable as they used to be. I think I am thinking too much and getting guilty before the binge even ends. I guess that's good though. I hope it makes me want to do it less.

Slip Up

Slipped up again on monday. I've been really irritated lately. I think it's because I've stopped taking lexapro. On Sunday I made a pretty huge change in my life and pretty much broke it off with someone that has been in my life since freshman year of high school. It was really hard but I knew I needed to do it. It's part of this whole being true to myself thing. I need to stand my ground and follow my instincts so thats what I am doing. I've just been feeling really depressed lately. I can't shake the feeling of something missing from my life or am I just not happy with something that already is in my life? I don't know what it is but I know something needs to change. I don't want to think that binging is the only thing I can sincerely enjoy or my only source of pleasure. Sometimes I feel as though I can conquer it and tell myself I'll never do it again but then when I come down from whatever inspirational high I sometimes experience, I think about the great pleasure I get from just stuffing my face while mindlessly watching tv. I know the after effects are horrible and it works to think about those sometimes when I have an urge but other times I just give in, willing to take the risk of that guilty, nearly suicidal feeling I get after. Ugh it makes me feel worthless. Even thinking about it now makes me feel like I don't deserve to live. And it's not like I'm only hurting myself. Whenever I binge I am so wrapped up in it that I could care less about anyone around me. I hurt and worry my mom (even though lately she's been showing me anger every time I slip up) and I blow off any plans I had with friends. I'm starting to wonder if this will ever go away...

Another incident

After 9 days of not binging, I gave in last night. At first it was alleviating but after I finished the cereal, threw it up, and kept eating random things I didn't even want, I literally asked myself "why am I still doing this?" The answer is...I honestly don't know. I knew I would feel like shit this morning. I have work in a half hour and of course I feel disgusting. My parents are really mad at me for binging and not cleaning the kitchen. I'm still crying and wondering why I can't just grow up at stop this.

Finally feeling good!

Right now I'm on what I call, a bulimia high. Woke up without a binge hangover, which is a GREAT feeling and I actually think I can fight this. I'm home alone and I don't even want to binge. I do still feel obese from my two-day binge but I think I can get back on track. Yesterday I was called in to work at Abercrombie and Fitch and after a huuuge meltdown about not being able to fit into my jeans and telling my mom I wasn't going to go in about 10 times, I went in and it wasn't that bad. I still felt fat but I know I'm not. Just for me I am. It's summer and I want to feel good and skinny but right now I can't even fathom the idea of putting on a bathing suit.

I'm reading this book my mom suggested called "Brain over Binge" and although it goes against everything I've been told thus far, I think it will help me. The author, Kathrine Hansen, fought her bulimia by realizing that the urges she has to binge are not her and that she has complete control over whether she binges or not, which I did kind of know all along but after being in therapy I was convinced that this wasn't my fault and that I have an illness. The only illness I could have would be a result of my bulimic habits. Like an addiction, these binges have become a force of habit and now that I'm at my worst, binging several times per week, everything triggers a binge, so I know that I just have to break that habit. It's in my control. I can do this.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my therapist and I know that she is right about the underlying problems, the triggers, and the fact that my binges are just a passion that I hide in fear of showing the world in a different way, but I think I took the information the wrong way and decided that it wasn't my fault, which made me binge more because every time I had the urge I would just give in. I have had a rough start to my summer, but I also have some good things going for me and I should focus on those rather than use the bad things as an excuse to binge. It makes no sense to prefer sitting alone in my basement eating massive amount of food only to purge them over hanging out with my friends, writing for my internship, or doing something else I enjoy. And I absolutely need to break the habit of associating watching TV with binging just because I feel guilty about sitting and doing nothing. It's summer, so I can relax and watch TV. It's allowed. Sure, my mom is probably to blame for that since every time I sit down at my computer or in front of the TV she starts nagging me about all this shit I have to do (which half the time is made up) and telling me I'm lazy, but, like Dr. Sorger said, once I realize that that is just the way my mom is and I have to accept that, I can learn to do things on my own time and not feel angry or guilty.

Well I'm going to get ready for my run. Let's hope my leg allows me to run...which was another thing that was depressing me. I love running but for the past few weeks I was unable to run and it was so frustrating. I felt like the only reason I went to the gym was to burn calories because I think every other cardio machine at the gym is sooo boring.

Wish me luck!

Marathon binge

Just had a two day binge and I must've gained at least 5 pounds. I didn't work out for TWO days. i haven't done that since...well, i don't even remember the last time i skipped two days. I feel like a fat shit and all my mom is doing is reminding me of the fat shit that I am. I'm not binging today and she knows I feel like shit and all she's doing is making me feel horrible. She won't stop nagging me and telling me i'm wasting my summer and ruining my life...well guess what mom...I FUCKING KNOW. I just have no motivation to do anything but eat. This binge was different than the rest. I feel really depressed and I am not motivated to stop so that I can hang out with my friends and start my summer over. To be honest, if my mom wasn't home, I'd probably binge again today.

Crappy Mother's Day

I.  Can't. Stop. Binging. It's like some fat girl took over my body and all I can think about is food. It's ruining my summer. I really need this to stop. I even ruined mother's day for my mom. I was in bed ll day waiting for people to leave the kitchen so I could eat. It made her so upset. She was slamming doors and throwing stuff. That's just not my mom. I told her to just send me away out of rage but now that I think about it, it could be best for everyone. I mean she wouldn't have to be stressed out and watching me all the time and I...well, I'd be miserable, but who cares. It really would be best for my family. My sister wouldn't have to watch her sad older sister sneaking to the kitchen then to the bathroom, eating all of her chewy bars, and spending days in bed watching friends. Yea, they should send me away. I know my mom won't because if she can;t fix me, no one can...or at least that's what she thinks. I know it offends her so much that I still have this problem and no matter what she does it won't go away. What she doesn't know is that it's actually my fault. I'm not trying hard enough. I need to be stronger. How hard is it to just stop eating and start eating normally?

This is not how a college girl should be spending her summer...I have good things happening to me. I got a virtual writing internship for the summer and an internship at Rutgers in the fall. I don't know why I can't just embrace these things and try to get better. Go celebrate like a normal 20 year-old.

I feel fat and I need to get skinnier but I know this binging problem won't go away until I stop restricting  myself. I just feel like I HAVE to compensate.

My ex is home now and he old me he lost 14 pounds...not what a bulimic wants to hear. And yes, he knows. I feel like I can't go out in public until I'm skinnier. I know I'm not actually fat but I know I gained weight and I just don't want people seeing me like this.

Not even excited for summer

I know it's been a while. A lot has happened in the past 2 weeks that I don't really want to get into. Let's just say I'm depressed and not excited that my last final is tonight. I've binged almost every day in the past week and feel like a piece of shit. I still can't run so I think that's really topping it all off. When I'm running I don't feel like a nut case that just works out to burn calories but now I can't so I'm at the gym longer trying to burn the same amount of calories and I hate it. I really don't enjoy doing the elliptical. It's so boring. I need to run to feel strong mentally and physically. I never realized how much I depend on it.

gave in..

Well I gave in and binged on friday. I feel like complete shit for it. I didn't think I would do it for so long but I did it all day. The only reason I stopped is because Taylor came over and then I ended up reining but of course pulled something and now my butt hurts. So the one thing I'm good at I can't even do. On saturday I ended up "YOLOing" with taylor and we decided to drive to Stockton to visit our friend tony. I kinda regret it just because I really did have a lot to do and I got nothing done. I have a quiz today and I studied a little yesterday but I was really hungover so I didn't really get that much done. I just need to run and I'll feel better. I hope I can work through the pain today.

home alone...not good

It's finally the weekend and I'm home alone. I have the biggest urge to binge but I really don't want to ruin these past two weeks or waste a whole day because I know once I start, I'll never stop. And I have an interview tomorrow for a camp counselor job over the summer so I need to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and not hate myself tomorrow. I'm trying to convince myself that I really don't want the food. I just don't know why I have this feeling. I know that once I eat to the point where I wanna kill myself I won't even enjoy the food. Just the fact that my parents aren't home...I just want to take advantage of it. All i want to do is sit on the couch and eat all day. I just dropped Taylor off at home and we made plans to meet at the mall later so I really have to be good today. I just can;t stop thinking about it. Right now I'm eating my usual pb on toast with fruit breakfast and I almost just said fuck it and binged on cereal. I;m glad I didn't but I don't know if I can control it all day. I know it won;t be just the cereal because when the cereal runs out and I purge it up, I'll want more food. I hid the oreos downstairs so I wouldn't be tempted by those. Those are probably the worst food we have in the house. I just went to the supermarket and stalked up on so much healthy food...why do I still want to binge? fuck.

it's been a while...

School's been pretty busy with exams and everything so I haven't really had time to sit down and write but I have some downtime today. I did speak with my therapist last week on the phone. I had to stay at school because I had a meeting and a review for bio that I ended up not going to. The last time I binged was last sunday so it's been over a week. I'm feeling a lot better than I did last week but my parents are in Portugal so I don't know how I am going to deal with being home alone. I'm already hearing that part of me telling me to take advantage of being alone. I just don't want to but at the same time I do. It wastes sooo much time. I know that if I binge once I'll keep going and get nothing done, then feel like shit the rest of the week. I need to find some other way to deal with being alone or some other way to take advantage of being home alone.

When is it going to end?

After two weeks of not binging I relapsed Saturday night and then again yesterday. I have so many exams and stuff this week and I wasted so much time binging even though I did study my ass off all weekend. Saturday night was weird. I literally stared at the box of granola for ten minutes. Put a piece in my mouth and spit it out but ended up giving in.
My therapy session was good. Dr. Sorger was very helpful as usual. She wants to help me channel my rebellious inner child in other places instead of binging and help me find out who I really am. I tend to identify myself with what I do, so when I do nothing of value or I don't do so well on an exam I feel like a complete waste of life.
I was just feeling so good before I binged and I really didn't want to for my mom. I know it's worrying her and I really don't want to put that extra stress on her. I just want this to end.

Session #3

So yesterday I had another session with Dr. Sorger. I think this one was really good. I understood myself a little more from it and felt hopeful walking out, as I always do. We talked about how I may want help but that part of my psyche that is so invested in my eating disorder just won't have it. What that part of me doesn't get is that Dr. Sorger doesn't want to make her go away, she simply want to channel her somewhere else. My eating disorder is a protection mechanism so I need to respect it. Although it does hurt me, it doesn't know it's hurting me. It thinks it's salvaging me from whatever feelings I do not want to face.

We also walked through one of my binges last weekend to find out what could have possibly triggered me. On friday I went to the mall with my roommate, even though I didn't really want to. Trying on clothes and not being satisfied with what I saw in the mirror was definitely one of the triggers. Another trigger, that I realize is often a trigger, is doing things I don't want to do. I always do things I don't want to do because other people want me to. That's what my life is. I live for others. I do what everyone else wants or expects me to do. That's why my world is so small. I walk around in this little part of my mind because I don't open myself up to other possibilities.

My two triggers: people who don't recognize my feelings and people who are controlling. I've found that I very often am crying out for attention but no one sees me. This even happens with my mother. I could easily hide my eating disorder from her but for some reason, I don't. I wasn't her to see me sprawled out on my bed hating myself. Last weekend I stabbed myself with my pencil in front of her. If that's not crying out for attention, I don't know what is. The thing I'm confused about is why I do this because my mom is probably the most patient and caring mother I could ask for. Sure, she gets a little fed up sometimes when I binge but she always tries to help me. The thing is, she doesn't get it. She thinks it is about food. She thinks i have so much willpower for everything else, why can't I control my binges? Well, I can control my binges but sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes all I want to do is sit on the couch, watch tv, and eat. That's the one thing I do for myself. Why should't I have that one thing that I don't do for anyone else? And this brings me to my second trigger, controlling people. Control freaks in my life take the wheel and drive my every action because I want to satisfy them. I don't want them to be mad at me and I want them to like me. Maybe I let them walk all over me because I don't believe that anyone actually likes me for me. I believe others like me for what I can offer them...and I offer A LOT. I'm like a puppet they can do whatever they want to. But this has to change. Dr. Sorger suggests that I stop doing things I don't want to. This will help tremendously in my recovery.

Another thing I realized is that I want people to know I'm sick. A few weeks ago I took some blood tests and turns out my immune system is shot. Why? Because of my eating disorder obviously. I wanted everyone to know this. And I found that in the back of my mind, I would've even like hearing that I'd die from this if I didn't fix it. I told my ex about it. I wanted him to be worried. And I think he was but he didn't show it like I wanted him to. I'm not sure what I was looking for but I guess I wanted some grand gesture from him. Maybe because I'm always trying to do things for others. I want someone to do something for me. But I guess I don't want this done out of pity. I want someone to love me for me and do things for me because of it, not because they feel sorry for me and definitely not for the same reason I normally do things for others.

Dr. Sorger also suggested that I stop talking to my roommate and my mom about my binges. My roommate also has an eating disorder and although she does want me to get better, her eating disorder doesn't. She looks to my binges for comfort as well and I like giving her that comfort. I like making her feel better about her problems by telling her I got out of control on saturday and laid in bed all day eating until I felt physically sick. As for my mom, she just doesn't get it. I do have to give her credit for trying and I love her to death but I can't use this eating disorder as a means of getting her attention. It doesn't serve either of us well.

This weekend I haven't binged. Mainly because last sunday my dad told me that my mom had a mammogram done and they weren't sure about this one spot on her breast. When he told me that I could not believe that my mom's health is in danger by not fault of her own, while I'm killing myself by binging and purging. I don't want to stress her out anymore because I know this is already stressing the shit out of her. That's my motivation for not binging and its been hard resisting those Reese's Puffs in the cabinet but I'm doing it for her. And yes, I'm doing something for someone else again but I want to do this, not only for her but for me too. That's the difference.

again...

And it happened again. This time I tried to figure out why I wanted to binge. I was supposed to hang out with my ex yesterday but I kind of ditched him. Not because I didn't want to but because I didn't think I should and my mom made me feel weird about having him over so I just avoided it and ate. Another trigger could have been trying on clothes earlier at the mall and wanting to kill myself looking in the mirror. I just felt so fat and jiggly so I came home and went to the gym. At this point, I had no desire or intentions to binge. I was feeling good when I came home and kinda skinny again, but then I decided not to hang out with my ex. Maybe another reason I didn't want to hang out with him is that I'm not my skinniest right now so I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to think he'd not missing out on anything because I'm fat and disgusting.

This morning I woke up late and my mom just gave me an attitude about my binge, which really just makes me want to do it again. She wanted to talk about why I did it but I didn't want to talk about it. Now she's mad because she claims she can't be "walking on eggshells" around me. She said she knew I was gonna binge because I was already eating a lot when she went to bed...I was eating apples. That really made me mad and now I feel even more obese. I hear her slamming the dishes away in the cabinet. I don't know if she's angry or sad. Sometimes she does that while crying. It just makes me feel so bad but at the same time I'm angry with her. I just want to eat again but I know I can't get away with it while she's here. I wish she would just leave.

Ugh

Well I binged again last night. I don't know why. I was doing fine. I did have the urge all week but I kept myself busy yesterday and was with a friend until midnight so I thought I would just get home and go to bed but I went straight for the cabinets. It was only a two hour binge which is nothing compared to my all-day binges but it's definitely did not help with the whole feeling fat thing. I have a lot to do today and I wanted to feel good but all I can think about is what I ate. I just hope I threw it all up and ran off any calories that were left this morning. I saw lettuce from my dinner in the toilet after so hopefully all that food I ate is gone. I'm sitting in my therapists office now waiting for my appointment which this morning I was really dreading but I know I'll feel better after. Later I have an interview at lifetime fitness for a job so I really have to feel confident and good. I don't want to eat today but I know that I have to and I will. I'm still contemplating working out again...even though I ran ten miles this morning. Oh god I'm nuts.

Why do I feel fat?

Nothing's changed since my last post but I just don't understand why I feel so gross when I work so hard at feeling good about myself. I've been going to the gym every day and not binging. Ive been eating 1000 to 1200 calories every day and burning 1000. I know thats not healthy but its what I've been doing for the past few months so I'm afraid to change it. It's just not fair that I feel like this because I probably work harder than most people so that I don't feel fat. I need to not binge this weekend. I've made it almost 2 weeks without doing it. I just need to think about how it only makes me feel worse and how bad it is for my body. My body does not deserve to be abused like that.

Fat days

Dr. Sorger also told me that I should keep track of some of my thoughts and feeling throughout the week so I will try to catch those and write them down here.

Yesterday I just felt so gross. I had to teach for snap-Ed in the morning so I didn't get to go to the gym right in the am like I usually do and i felt like I couldn't function. I know that's ridiculous and shouldn't happen but I can't help it.

Today I went to the gym in the morning and took my normal boot camp class. I feel better that I got it over with and can go about my day but I still kind of feel fat this week. I'm not sure why because I've been eating healthy and going to the gym. I just hope it's all in my head and that I reach a point where these things won't bother me anymore.

first session

I am starting this blog because I have an eating disorder and just started seeing a therapist for it. This is just a place for me to keep track of my progress and experiences throughout the process of recovery. I hope to help some people along the way and comments are more than welcome.

I had my first session today with Dr. Sorger. She is by far the best therapist I have had thus far (oh yeah btw...I've done this twice before). I was a little nervous going in to the session as most people would be. That awkward initial meeting is always torturous, but Dr. Sorger was really welcoming and extremely enthusiastic about working with me to help me get over this. Everything she said just clicked. I agreed with it all. It was like she read about me before the session. I've never felt so comfortable talking to a professional before. No note-taking, no judging, no holding back on the truth...she was very real and straight-foward with me. I absolutely hate when therapists talk to you as though you are about to snap. It's like they're talking down to you, which doesn't really help with what they're trying to do or what you're there for. 

She asked me the typical questions about my family, my history, past social problems, etc. But she really listened and took in every little thing I said. I've never had someone use that approach with me. I explained to her what my usual eating disorder behavior is. I tend to restrict for a while, then binge every few days (or weeks, if I'm doing "well"). I also overexercise for the amount of food I take in and never let myself take a day off or recover from an injury. My eating on a normal day is not as restrictive as one who has Anorexia. I eat healthy foods and am obviously very health conscious but I do not take in enough calories or enough carbohydrates. I told her I was a nutrition major, so I know exactly how I am damaging my body and metabolism and I am completely aware of the nutritional requirements for someone of my build and activity level, but knowing and doing are two completely different things. Dr. Sorger brought up something she sees in me that really struck me and I did not think was so obvious to others, my insecurity. She believes that I do not give myself enough validity, therefore I do not mind harming my body the way I am. She also said that she could not picture me when she spoke to me on the phone because I am so disconnected from myself. She sees that I am afraid to be myself or, rather, I don;t necessarily know who I am. Then, she said the nicest and most honest thing anyone has ever said to me. She told me I had such beauty but I wasn't radiating it because I don't believe that I have it.

We talked about where my eating disorder could have originated and I told her that I grew up in a pretty stable household. My parents are happily married and I rarely ever see them fighting. I've never had a tangible reason to start having an eating disorder. I've never been overweight or anything. Unlike most other girls, my eating disorder started about halfway through high school...not when I was a little girl. It all began when my friends started dieting, even though they were much larger than I was. I guess I thought of myself as the skinny one in the group so I didn't want any of them to be skinnier than me, even though that was highly unlikely. Prior to my eating disorder, I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. That was the life.

Then Dr. Sorger asked me if I actually enjoy anything. I thought about it and I realized there are not many things I do enjoy. I feel like everything I do has to be productive. Even when I was into drawing, I only drew if I had someone to give my drawing to. It's almost like I always need to prove myself to people. Dr. Sorger pointed out that nowadays, people tend to be defined by what they do and not who they are. We have these preconceived ideas of who we are and all these rules that define how we should behave, but this leads to major discrepancies when we do not follow these rules we have for ourselves, causing us to be depressed. Dr. Sorger suggested not using the word "should" anymore. She told me I should do what I feel like doing and try to throw away these rules I have for myself. This will help me to identify more with myself and find out who I really am.

My next session is on friday so I will blog about it then!