Session #3

So yesterday I had another session with Dr. Sorger. I think this one was really good. I understood myself a little more from it and felt hopeful walking out, as I always do. We talked about how I may want help but that part of my psyche that is so invested in my eating disorder just won't have it. What that part of me doesn't get is that Dr. Sorger doesn't want to make her go away, she simply want to channel her somewhere else. My eating disorder is a protection mechanism so I need to respect it. Although it does hurt me, it doesn't know it's hurting me. It thinks it's salvaging me from whatever feelings I do not want to face.

We also walked through one of my binges last weekend to find out what could have possibly triggered me. On friday I went to the mall with my roommate, even though I didn't really want to. Trying on clothes and not being satisfied with what I saw in the mirror was definitely one of the triggers. Another trigger, that I realize is often a trigger, is doing things I don't want to do. I always do things I don't want to do because other people want me to. That's what my life is. I live for others. I do what everyone else wants or expects me to do. That's why my world is so small. I walk around in this little part of my mind because I don't open myself up to other possibilities.

My two triggers: people who don't recognize my feelings and people who are controlling. I've found that I very often am crying out for attention but no one sees me. This even happens with my mother. I could easily hide my eating disorder from her but for some reason, I don't. I wasn't her to see me sprawled out on my bed hating myself. Last weekend I stabbed myself with my pencil in front of her. If that's not crying out for attention, I don't know what is. The thing I'm confused about is why I do this because my mom is probably the most patient and caring mother I could ask for. Sure, she gets a little fed up sometimes when I binge but she always tries to help me. The thing is, she doesn't get it. She thinks it is about food. She thinks i have so much willpower for everything else, why can't I control my binges? Well, I can control my binges but sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes all I want to do is sit on the couch, watch tv, and eat. That's the one thing I do for myself. Why should't I have that one thing that I don't do for anyone else? And this brings me to my second trigger, controlling people. Control freaks in my life take the wheel and drive my every action because I want to satisfy them. I don't want them to be mad at me and I want them to like me. Maybe I let them walk all over me because I don't believe that anyone actually likes me for me. I believe others like me for what I can offer them...and I offer A LOT. I'm like a puppet they can do whatever they want to. But this has to change. Dr. Sorger suggests that I stop doing things I don't want to. This will help tremendously in my recovery.

Another thing I realized is that I want people to know I'm sick. A few weeks ago I took some blood tests and turns out my immune system is shot. Why? Because of my eating disorder obviously. I wanted everyone to know this. And I found that in the back of my mind, I would've even like hearing that I'd die from this if I didn't fix it. I told my ex about it. I wanted him to be worried. And I think he was but he didn't show it like I wanted him to. I'm not sure what I was looking for but I guess I wanted some grand gesture from him. Maybe because I'm always trying to do things for others. I want someone to do something for me. But I guess I don't want this done out of pity. I want someone to love me for me and do things for me because of it, not because they feel sorry for me and definitely not for the same reason I normally do things for others.

Dr. Sorger also suggested that I stop talking to my roommate and my mom about my binges. My roommate also has an eating disorder and although she does want me to get better, her eating disorder doesn't. She looks to my binges for comfort as well and I like giving her that comfort. I like making her feel better about her problems by telling her I got out of control on saturday and laid in bed all day eating until I felt physically sick. As for my mom, she just doesn't get it. I do have to give her credit for trying and I love her to death but I can't use this eating disorder as a means of getting her attention. It doesn't serve either of us well.

This weekend I haven't binged. Mainly because last sunday my dad told me that my mom had a mammogram done and they weren't sure about this one spot on her breast. When he told me that I could not believe that my mom's health is in danger by not fault of her own, while I'm killing myself by binging and purging. I don't want to stress her out anymore because I know this is already stressing the shit out of her. That's my motivation for not binging and its been hard resisting those Reese's Puffs in the cabinet but I'm doing it for her. And yes, I'm doing something for someone else again but I want to do this, not only for her but for me too. That's the difference.