And it happened again. This time I tried to figure out why I wanted to binge. I was supposed to hang out with my ex yesterday but I kind of ditched him. Not because I didn't want to but because I didn't think I should and my mom made me feel weird about having him over so I just avoided it and ate. Another trigger could have been trying on clothes earlier at the mall and wanting to kill myself looking in the mirror. I just felt so fat and jiggly so I came home and went to the gym. At this point, I had no desire or intentions to binge. I was feeling good when I came home and kinda skinny again, but then I decided not to hang out with my ex. Maybe another reason I didn't want to hang out with him is that I'm not my skinniest right now so I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to think he'd not missing out on anything because I'm fat and disgusting.
This morning I woke up late and my mom just gave me an attitude about my binge, which really just makes me want to do it again. She wanted to talk about why I did it but I didn't want to talk about it. Now she's mad because she claims she can't be "walking on eggshells" around me. She said she knew I was gonna binge because I was already eating a lot when she went to bed...I was eating apples. That really made me mad and now I feel even more obese. I hear her slamming the dishes away in the cabinet. I don't know if she's angry or sad. Sometimes she does that while crying. It just makes me feel so bad but at the same time I'm angry with her. I just want to eat again but I know I can't get away with it while she's here. I wish she would just leave.
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