first session

I am starting this blog because I have an eating disorder and just started seeing a therapist for it. This is just a place for me to keep track of my progress and experiences throughout the process of recovery. I hope to help some people along the way and comments are more than welcome.

I had my first session today with Dr. Sorger. She is by far the best therapist I have had thus far (oh yeah btw...I've done this twice before). I was a little nervous going in to the session as most people would be. That awkward initial meeting is always torturous, but Dr. Sorger was really welcoming and extremely enthusiastic about working with me to help me get over this. Everything she said just clicked. I agreed with it all. It was like she read about me before the session. I've never felt so comfortable talking to a professional before. No note-taking, no judging, no holding back on the truth...she was very real and straight-foward with me. I absolutely hate when therapists talk to you as though you are about to snap. It's like they're talking down to you, which doesn't really help with what they're trying to do or what you're there for. 

She asked me the typical questions about my family, my history, past social problems, etc. But she really listened and took in every little thing I said. I've never had someone use that approach with me. I explained to her what my usual eating disorder behavior is. I tend to restrict for a while, then binge every few days (or weeks, if I'm doing "well"). I also overexercise for the amount of food I take in and never let myself take a day off or recover from an injury. My eating on a normal day is not as restrictive as one who has Anorexia. I eat healthy foods and am obviously very health conscious but I do not take in enough calories or enough carbohydrates. I told her I was a nutrition major, so I know exactly how I am damaging my body and metabolism and I am completely aware of the nutritional requirements for someone of my build and activity level, but knowing and doing are two completely different things. Dr. Sorger brought up something she sees in me that really struck me and I did not think was so obvious to others, my insecurity. She believes that I do not give myself enough validity, therefore I do not mind harming my body the way I am. She also said that she could not picture me when she spoke to me on the phone because I am so disconnected from myself. She sees that I am afraid to be myself or, rather, I don;t necessarily know who I am. Then, she said the nicest and most honest thing anyone has ever said to me. She told me I had such beauty but I wasn't radiating it because I don't believe that I have it.

We talked about where my eating disorder could have originated and I told her that I grew up in a pretty stable household. My parents are happily married and I rarely ever see them fighting. I've never had a tangible reason to start having an eating disorder. I've never been overweight or anything. Unlike most other girls, my eating disorder started about halfway through high school...not when I was a little girl. It all began when my friends started dieting, even though they were much larger than I was. I guess I thought of myself as the skinny one in the group so I didn't want any of them to be skinnier than me, even though that was highly unlikely. Prior to my eating disorder, I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. That was the life.

Then Dr. Sorger asked me if I actually enjoy anything. I thought about it and I realized there are not many things I do enjoy. I feel like everything I do has to be productive. Even when I was into drawing, I only drew if I had someone to give my drawing to. It's almost like I always need to prove myself to people. Dr. Sorger pointed out that nowadays, people tend to be defined by what they do and not who they are. We have these preconceived ideas of who we are and all these rules that define how we should behave, but this leads to major discrepancies when we do not follow these rules we have for ourselves, causing us to be depressed. Dr. Sorger suggested not using the word "should" anymore. She told me I should do what I feel like doing and try to throw away these rules I have for myself. This will help me to identify more with myself and find out who I really am.

My next session is on friday so I will blog about it then!