Right now I'm on what I call, a bulimia high. Woke up without a binge hangover, which is a GREAT feeling and I actually think I can fight this. I'm home alone and I don't even want to binge. I do still feel obese from my two-day binge but I think I can get back on track. Yesterday I was called in to work at Abercrombie and Fitch and after a huuuge meltdown about not being able to fit into my jeans and telling my mom I wasn't going to go in about 10 times, I went in and it wasn't that bad. I still felt fat but I know I'm not. Just for me I am. It's summer and I want to feel good and skinny but right now I can't even fathom the idea of putting on a bathing suit.
I'm reading this book my mom suggested called "Brain over Binge" and although it goes against everything I've been told thus far, I think it will help me. The author, Kathrine Hansen, fought her bulimia by realizing that the urges she has to binge are not her and that she has complete control over whether she binges or not, which I did kind of know all along but after being in therapy I was convinced that this wasn't my fault and that I have an illness. The only illness I could have would be a result of my bulimic habits. Like an addiction, these binges have become a force of habit and now that I'm at my worst, binging several times per week, everything triggers a binge, so I know that I just have to break that habit. It's in my control. I can do this.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my therapist and I know that she is right about the underlying problems, the triggers, and the fact that my binges are just a passion that I hide in fear of showing the world in a different way, but I think I took the information the wrong way and decided that it wasn't my fault, which made me binge more because every time I had the urge I would just give in. I have had a rough start to my summer, but I also have some good things going for me and I should focus on those rather than use the bad things as an excuse to binge. It makes no sense to prefer sitting alone in my basement eating massive amount of food only to purge them over hanging out with my friends, writing for my internship, or doing something else I enjoy. And I absolutely need to break the habit of associating watching TV with binging just because I feel guilty about sitting and doing nothing. It's summer, so I can relax and watch TV. It's allowed. Sure, my mom is probably to blame for that since every time I sit down at my computer or in front of the TV she starts nagging me about all this shit I have to do (which half the time is made up) and telling me I'm lazy, but, like Dr. Sorger said, once I realize that that is just the way my mom is and I have to accept that, I can learn to do things on my own time and not feel angry or guilty.
Well I'm going to get ready for my run. Let's hope my leg allows me to run...which was another thing that was depressing me. I love running but for the past few weeks I was unable to run and it was so frustrating. I felt like the only reason I went to the gym was to burn calories because I think every other cardio machine at the gym is sooo boring.
Wish me luck!
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