Slip Up

Slipped up again on monday. I've been really irritated lately. I think it's because I've stopped taking lexapro. On Sunday I made a pretty huge change in my life and pretty much broke it off with someone that has been in my life since freshman year of high school. It was really hard but I knew I needed to do it. It's part of this whole being true to myself thing. I need to stand my ground and follow my instincts so thats what I am doing. I've just been feeling really depressed lately. I can't shake the feeling of something missing from my life or am I just not happy with something that already is in my life? I don't know what it is but I know something needs to change. I don't want to think that binging is the only thing I can sincerely enjoy or my only source of pleasure. Sometimes I feel as though I can conquer it and tell myself I'll never do it again but then when I come down from whatever inspirational high I sometimes experience, I think about the great pleasure I get from just stuffing my face while mindlessly watching tv. I know the after effects are horrible and it works to think about those sometimes when I have an urge but other times I just give in, willing to take the risk of that guilty, nearly suicidal feeling I get after. Ugh it makes me feel worthless. Even thinking about it now makes me feel like I don't deserve to live. And it's not like I'm only hurting myself. Whenever I binge I am so wrapped up in it that I could care less about anyone around me. I hurt and worry my mom (even though lately she's been showing me anger every time I slip up) and I blow off any plans I had with friends. I'm starting to wonder if this will ever go away...