Session #3

So yesterday I had another session with Dr. Sorger. I think this one was really good. I understood myself a little more from it and felt hopeful walking out, as I always do. We talked about how I may want help but that part of my psyche that is so invested in my eating disorder just won't have it. What that part of me doesn't get is that Dr. Sorger doesn't want to make her go away, she simply want to channel her somewhere else. My eating disorder is a protection mechanism so I need to respect it. Although it does hurt me, it doesn't know it's hurting me. It thinks it's salvaging me from whatever feelings I do not want to face.

We also walked through one of my binges last weekend to find out what could have possibly triggered me. On friday I went to the mall with my roommate, even though I didn't really want to. Trying on clothes and not being satisfied with what I saw in the mirror was definitely one of the triggers. Another trigger, that I realize is often a trigger, is doing things I don't want to do. I always do things I don't want to do because other people want me to. That's what my life is. I live for others. I do what everyone else wants or expects me to do. That's why my world is so small. I walk around in this little part of my mind because I don't open myself up to other possibilities.

My two triggers: people who don't recognize my feelings and people who are controlling. I've found that I very often am crying out for attention but no one sees me. This even happens with my mother. I could easily hide my eating disorder from her but for some reason, I don't. I wasn't her to see me sprawled out on my bed hating myself. Last weekend I stabbed myself with my pencil in front of her. If that's not crying out for attention, I don't know what is. The thing I'm confused about is why I do this because my mom is probably the most patient and caring mother I could ask for. Sure, she gets a little fed up sometimes when I binge but she always tries to help me. The thing is, she doesn't get it. She thinks it is about food. She thinks i have so much willpower for everything else, why can't I control my binges? Well, I can control my binges but sometimes I don't want to. Sometimes all I want to do is sit on the couch, watch tv, and eat. That's the one thing I do for myself. Why should't I have that one thing that I don't do for anyone else? And this brings me to my second trigger, controlling people. Control freaks in my life take the wheel and drive my every action because I want to satisfy them. I don't want them to be mad at me and I want them to like me. Maybe I let them walk all over me because I don't believe that anyone actually likes me for me. I believe others like me for what I can offer them...and I offer A LOT. I'm like a puppet they can do whatever they want to. But this has to change. Dr. Sorger suggests that I stop doing things I don't want to. This will help tremendously in my recovery.

Another thing I realized is that I want people to know I'm sick. A few weeks ago I took some blood tests and turns out my immune system is shot. Why? Because of my eating disorder obviously. I wanted everyone to know this. And I found that in the back of my mind, I would've even like hearing that I'd die from this if I didn't fix it. I told my ex about it. I wanted him to be worried. And I think he was but he didn't show it like I wanted him to. I'm not sure what I was looking for but I guess I wanted some grand gesture from him. Maybe because I'm always trying to do things for others. I want someone to do something for me. But I guess I don't want this done out of pity. I want someone to love me for me and do things for me because of it, not because they feel sorry for me and definitely not for the same reason I normally do things for others.

Dr. Sorger also suggested that I stop talking to my roommate and my mom about my binges. My roommate also has an eating disorder and although she does want me to get better, her eating disorder doesn't. She looks to my binges for comfort as well and I like giving her that comfort. I like making her feel better about her problems by telling her I got out of control on saturday and laid in bed all day eating until I felt physically sick. As for my mom, she just doesn't get it. I do have to give her credit for trying and I love her to death but I can't use this eating disorder as a means of getting her attention. It doesn't serve either of us well.

This weekend I haven't binged. Mainly because last sunday my dad told me that my mom had a mammogram done and they weren't sure about this one spot on her breast. When he told me that I could not believe that my mom's health is in danger by not fault of her own, while I'm killing myself by binging and purging. I don't want to stress her out anymore because I know this is already stressing the shit out of her. That's my motivation for not binging and its been hard resisting those Reese's Puffs in the cabinet but I'm doing it for her. And yes, I'm doing something for someone else again but I want to do this, not only for her but for me too. That's the difference.

again...

And it happened again. This time I tried to figure out why I wanted to binge. I was supposed to hang out with my ex yesterday but I kind of ditched him. Not because I didn't want to but because I didn't think I should and my mom made me feel weird about having him over so I just avoided it and ate. Another trigger could have been trying on clothes earlier at the mall and wanting to kill myself looking in the mirror. I just felt so fat and jiggly so I came home and went to the gym. At this point, I had no desire or intentions to binge. I was feeling good when I came home and kinda skinny again, but then I decided not to hang out with my ex. Maybe another reason I didn't want to hang out with him is that I'm not my skinniest right now so I don't want him to see me like this. I don't want him to think he'd not missing out on anything because I'm fat and disgusting.

This morning I woke up late and my mom just gave me an attitude about my binge, which really just makes me want to do it again. She wanted to talk about why I did it but I didn't want to talk about it. Now she's mad because she claims she can't be "walking on eggshells" around me. She said she knew I was gonna binge because I was already eating a lot when she went to bed...I was eating apples. That really made me mad and now I feel even more obese. I hear her slamming the dishes away in the cabinet. I don't know if she's angry or sad. Sometimes she does that while crying. It just makes me feel so bad but at the same time I'm angry with her. I just want to eat again but I know I can't get away with it while she's here. I wish she would just leave.

Ugh

Well I binged again last night. I don't know why. I was doing fine. I did have the urge all week but I kept myself busy yesterday and was with a friend until midnight so I thought I would just get home and go to bed but I went straight for the cabinets. It was only a two hour binge which is nothing compared to my all-day binges but it's definitely did not help with the whole feeling fat thing. I have a lot to do today and I wanted to feel good but all I can think about is what I ate. I just hope I threw it all up and ran off any calories that were left this morning. I saw lettuce from my dinner in the toilet after so hopefully all that food I ate is gone. I'm sitting in my therapists office now waiting for my appointment which this morning I was really dreading but I know I'll feel better after. Later I have an interview at lifetime fitness for a job so I really have to feel confident and good. I don't want to eat today but I know that I have to and I will. I'm still contemplating working out again...even though I ran ten miles this morning. Oh god I'm nuts.

Why do I feel fat?

Nothing's changed since my last post but I just don't understand why I feel so gross when I work so hard at feeling good about myself. I've been going to the gym every day and not binging. Ive been eating 1000 to 1200 calories every day and burning 1000. I know thats not healthy but its what I've been doing for the past few months so I'm afraid to change it. It's just not fair that I feel like this because I probably work harder than most people so that I don't feel fat. I need to not binge this weekend. I've made it almost 2 weeks without doing it. I just need to think about how it only makes me feel worse and how bad it is for my body. My body does not deserve to be abused like that.

Fat days

Dr. Sorger also told me that I should keep track of some of my thoughts and feeling throughout the week so I will try to catch those and write them down here.

Yesterday I just felt so gross. I had to teach for snap-Ed in the morning so I didn't get to go to the gym right in the am like I usually do and i felt like I couldn't function. I know that's ridiculous and shouldn't happen but I can't help it.

Today I went to the gym in the morning and took my normal boot camp class. I feel better that I got it over with and can go about my day but I still kind of feel fat this week. I'm not sure why because I've been eating healthy and going to the gym. I just hope it's all in my head and that I reach a point where these things won't bother me anymore.

first session

I am starting this blog because I have an eating disorder and just started seeing a therapist for it. This is just a place for me to keep track of my progress and experiences throughout the process of recovery. I hope to help some people along the way and comments are more than welcome.

I had my first session today with Dr. Sorger. She is by far the best therapist I have had thus far (oh yeah btw...I've done this twice before). I was a little nervous going in to the session as most people would be. That awkward initial meeting is always torturous, but Dr. Sorger was really welcoming and extremely enthusiastic about working with me to help me get over this. Everything she said just clicked. I agreed with it all. It was like she read about me before the session. I've never felt so comfortable talking to a professional before. No note-taking, no judging, no holding back on the truth...she was very real and straight-foward with me. I absolutely hate when therapists talk to you as though you are about to snap. It's like they're talking down to you, which doesn't really help with what they're trying to do or what you're there for. 

She asked me the typical questions about my family, my history, past social problems, etc. But she really listened and took in every little thing I said. I've never had someone use that approach with me. I explained to her what my usual eating disorder behavior is. I tend to restrict for a while, then binge every few days (or weeks, if I'm doing "well"). I also overexercise for the amount of food I take in and never let myself take a day off or recover from an injury. My eating on a normal day is not as restrictive as one who has Anorexia. I eat healthy foods and am obviously very health conscious but I do not take in enough calories or enough carbohydrates. I told her I was a nutrition major, so I know exactly how I am damaging my body and metabolism and I am completely aware of the nutritional requirements for someone of my build and activity level, but knowing and doing are two completely different things. Dr. Sorger brought up something she sees in me that really struck me and I did not think was so obvious to others, my insecurity. She believes that I do not give myself enough validity, therefore I do not mind harming my body the way I am. She also said that she could not picture me when she spoke to me on the phone because I am so disconnected from myself. She sees that I am afraid to be myself or, rather, I don;t necessarily know who I am. Then, she said the nicest and most honest thing anyone has ever said to me. She told me I had such beauty but I wasn't radiating it because I don't believe that I have it.

We talked about where my eating disorder could have originated and I told her that I grew up in a pretty stable household. My parents are happily married and I rarely ever see them fighting. I've never had a tangible reason to start having an eating disorder. I've never been overweight or anything. Unlike most other girls, my eating disorder started about halfway through high school...not when I was a little girl. It all began when my friends started dieting, even though they were much larger than I was. I guess I thought of myself as the skinny one in the group so I didn't want any of them to be skinnier than me, even though that was highly unlikely. Prior to my eating disorder, I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. That was the life.

Then Dr. Sorger asked me if I actually enjoy anything. I thought about it and I realized there are not many things I do enjoy. I feel like everything I do has to be productive. Even when I was into drawing, I only drew if I had someone to give my drawing to. It's almost like I always need to prove myself to people. Dr. Sorger pointed out that nowadays, people tend to be defined by what they do and not who they are. We have these preconceived ideas of who we are and all these rules that define how we should behave, but this leads to major discrepancies when we do not follow these rules we have for ourselves, causing us to be depressed. Dr. Sorger suggested not using the word "should" anymore. She told me I should do what I feel like doing and try to throw away these rules I have for myself. This will help me to identify more with myself and find out who I really am.

My next session is on friday so I will blog about it then!