Another incident

After 9 days of not binging, I gave in last night. At first it was alleviating but after I finished the cereal, threw it up, and kept eating random things I didn't even want, I literally asked myself "why am I still doing this?" The answer is...I honestly don't know. I knew I would feel like shit this morning. I have work in a half hour and of course I feel disgusting. My parents are really mad at me for binging and not cleaning the kitchen. I'm still crying and wondering why I can't just grow up at stop this.

Finally feeling good!

Right now I'm on what I call, a bulimia high. Woke up without a binge hangover, which is a GREAT feeling and I actually think I can fight this. I'm home alone and I don't even want to binge. I do still feel obese from my two-day binge but I think I can get back on track. Yesterday I was called in to work at Abercrombie and Fitch and after a huuuge meltdown about not being able to fit into my jeans and telling my mom I wasn't going to go in about 10 times, I went in and it wasn't that bad. I still felt fat but I know I'm not. Just for me I am. It's summer and I want to feel good and skinny but right now I can't even fathom the idea of putting on a bathing suit.

I'm reading this book my mom suggested called "Brain over Binge" and although it goes against everything I've been told thus far, I think it will help me. The author, Kathrine Hansen, fought her bulimia by realizing that the urges she has to binge are not her and that she has complete control over whether she binges or not, which I did kind of know all along but after being in therapy I was convinced that this wasn't my fault and that I have an illness. The only illness I could have would be a result of my bulimic habits. Like an addiction, these binges have become a force of habit and now that I'm at my worst, binging several times per week, everything triggers a binge, so I know that I just have to break that habit. It's in my control. I can do this.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my therapist and I know that she is right about the underlying problems, the triggers, and the fact that my binges are just a passion that I hide in fear of showing the world in a different way, but I think I took the information the wrong way and decided that it wasn't my fault, which made me binge more because every time I had the urge I would just give in. I have had a rough start to my summer, but I also have some good things going for me and I should focus on those rather than use the bad things as an excuse to binge. It makes no sense to prefer sitting alone in my basement eating massive amount of food only to purge them over hanging out with my friends, writing for my internship, or doing something else I enjoy. And I absolutely need to break the habit of associating watching TV with binging just because I feel guilty about sitting and doing nothing. It's summer, so I can relax and watch TV. It's allowed. Sure, my mom is probably to blame for that since every time I sit down at my computer or in front of the TV she starts nagging me about all this shit I have to do (which half the time is made up) and telling me I'm lazy, but, like Dr. Sorger said, once I realize that that is just the way my mom is and I have to accept that, I can learn to do things on my own time and not feel angry or guilty.

Well I'm going to get ready for my run. Let's hope my leg allows me to run...which was another thing that was depressing me. I love running but for the past few weeks I was unable to run and it was so frustrating. I felt like the only reason I went to the gym was to burn calories because I think every other cardio machine at the gym is sooo boring.

Wish me luck!

Marathon binge

Just had a two day binge and I must've gained at least 5 pounds. I didn't work out for TWO days. i haven't done that since...well, i don't even remember the last time i skipped two days. I feel like a fat shit and all my mom is doing is reminding me of the fat shit that I am. I'm not binging today and she knows I feel like shit and all she's doing is making me feel horrible. She won't stop nagging me and telling me i'm wasting my summer and ruining my life...well guess what mom...I FUCKING KNOW. I just have no motivation to do anything but eat. This binge was different than the rest. I feel really depressed and I am not motivated to stop so that I can hang out with my friends and start my summer over. To be honest, if my mom wasn't home, I'd probably binge again today.

Crappy Mother's Day

I.  Can't. Stop. Binging. It's like some fat girl took over my body and all I can think about is food. It's ruining my summer. I really need this to stop. I even ruined mother's day for my mom. I was in bed ll day waiting for people to leave the kitchen so I could eat. It made her so upset. She was slamming doors and throwing stuff. That's just not my mom. I told her to just send me away out of rage but now that I think about it, it could be best for everyone. I mean she wouldn't have to be stressed out and watching me all the time and I...well, I'd be miserable, but who cares. It really would be best for my family. My sister wouldn't have to watch her sad older sister sneaking to the kitchen then to the bathroom, eating all of her chewy bars, and spending days in bed watching friends. Yea, they should send me away. I know my mom won't because if she can;t fix me, no one can...or at least that's what she thinks. I know it offends her so much that I still have this problem and no matter what she does it won't go away. What she doesn't know is that it's actually my fault. I'm not trying hard enough. I need to be stronger. How hard is it to just stop eating and start eating normally?

This is not how a college girl should be spending her summer...I have good things happening to me. I got a virtual writing internship for the summer and an internship at Rutgers in the fall. I don't know why I can't just embrace these things and try to get better. Go celebrate like a normal 20 year-old.

I feel fat and I need to get skinnier but I know this binging problem won't go away until I stop restricting  myself. I just feel like I HAVE to compensate.

My ex is home now and he old me he lost 14 pounds...not what a bulimic wants to hear. And yes, he knows. I feel like I can't go out in public until I'm skinnier. I know I'm not actually fat but I know I gained weight and I just don't want people seeing me like this.

Not even excited for summer

I know it's been a while. A lot has happened in the past 2 weeks that I don't really want to get into. Let's just say I'm depressed and not excited that my last final is tonight. I've binged almost every day in the past week and feel like a piece of shit. I still can't run so I think that's really topping it all off. When I'm running I don't feel like a nut case that just works out to burn calories but now I can't so I'm at the gym longer trying to burn the same amount of calories and I hate it. I really don't enjoy doing the elliptical. It's so boring. I need to run to feel strong mentally and physically. I never realized how much I depend on it.