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I know I haven't posted in a while. I wish I could say that this is because I'm getting better but it's not. In the past month I have had two marathon binges that both lasted two days. I just had the second one and can't even describe the guilt and struggle I'm going through now. I know I'm wasting my life. It's not only the fact that I ate a shitload but I wasted two days in bed when I have plenty of things to get done. This fucking bulimia is ruining my life and it's my fault for letting it get the best of me. Not only is it ruining my life but my friends and family, who are trying so hard to be tolerant and help me, but I know when I'm in that state I'm like a brick wall. I don't know whats wrong with me. I can't keep treating people like this. At this point I'm not only doing this to myself. I'm affecting everyone around me.

i hate myself

OMG I ate again. I am so fat. It wasn't even goo. I didn't throw it all up. I'm freaking out. I want to kill myself. I'm gonna get so fat. Here's what I just ate:
mini wheats with chocolate milk
peanut butter and jelly
two chocolate chip waffles with vanilla icing
chips with cheese and con queso

...

Just send me away

Can't believe I did it again. Didn't even try to fight it last night. My parents went upstairs and I just took advantage of my opportunity. That's the second time this week and now I want to do it again. This is ridiculous. I have so much to do and I feel like a complete waste of life. I don't even want to tell Taylor about this. Everyone will just get fed up with my bullshit. I'm surprised I still have parents. I suck.

Yet another slip up

I know it's been a while but I really need to vent. My binging has cut down to about once every 2 weeks so I guess I've made progress, although it doesn't really feel like it. I binged last night and felt like absolute shit today. The only reason my binge didn't carry on through today is because I had to work so I worked out and then went to work. I didn't feel as fat as I thought I feel at work so maybe I threw everything up. It sure felt like it. Something has changed about my binges though. They aren't as enjoyable as they used to be. I think I am thinking too much and getting guilty before the binge even ends. I guess that's good though. I hope it makes me want to do it less.

Slip Up

Slipped up again on monday. I've been really irritated lately. I think it's because I've stopped taking lexapro. On Sunday I made a pretty huge change in my life and pretty much broke it off with someone that has been in my life since freshman year of high school. It was really hard but I knew I needed to do it. It's part of this whole being true to myself thing. I need to stand my ground and follow my instincts so thats what I am doing. I've just been feeling really depressed lately. I can't shake the feeling of something missing from my life or am I just not happy with something that already is in my life? I don't know what it is but I know something needs to change. I don't want to think that binging is the only thing I can sincerely enjoy or my only source of pleasure. Sometimes I feel as though I can conquer it and tell myself I'll never do it again but then when I come down from whatever inspirational high I sometimes experience, I think about the great pleasure I get from just stuffing my face while mindlessly watching tv. I know the after effects are horrible and it works to think about those sometimes when I have an urge but other times I just give in, willing to take the risk of that guilty, nearly suicidal feeling I get after. Ugh it makes me feel worthless. Even thinking about it now makes me feel like I don't deserve to live. And it's not like I'm only hurting myself. Whenever I binge I am so wrapped up in it that I could care less about anyone around me. I hurt and worry my mom (even though lately she's been showing me anger every time I slip up) and I blow off any plans I had with friends. I'm starting to wonder if this will ever go away...

Another incident

After 9 days of not binging, I gave in last night. At first it was alleviating but after I finished the cereal, threw it up, and kept eating random things I didn't even want, I literally asked myself "why am I still doing this?" The answer is...I honestly don't know. I knew I would feel like shit this morning. I have work in a half hour and of course I feel disgusting. My parents are really mad at me for binging and not cleaning the kitchen. I'm still crying and wondering why I can't just grow up at stop this.

Finally feeling good!

Right now I'm on what I call, a bulimia high. Woke up without a binge hangover, which is a GREAT feeling and I actually think I can fight this. I'm home alone and I don't even want to binge. I do still feel obese from my two-day binge but I think I can get back on track. Yesterday I was called in to work at Abercrombie and Fitch and after a huuuge meltdown about not being able to fit into my jeans and telling my mom I wasn't going to go in about 10 times, I went in and it wasn't that bad. I still felt fat but I know I'm not. Just for me I am. It's summer and I want to feel good and skinny but right now I can't even fathom the idea of putting on a bathing suit.

I'm reading this book my mom suggested called "Brain over Binge" and although it goes against everything I've been told thus far, I think it will help me. The author, Kathrine Hansen, fought her bulimia by realizing that the urges she has to binge are not her and that she has complete control over whether she binges or not, which I did kind of know all along but after being in therapy I was convinced that this wasn't my fault and that I have an illness. The only illness I could have would be a result of my bulimic habits. Like an addiction, these binges have become a force of habit and now that I'm at my worst, binging several times per week, everything triggers a binge, so I know that I just have to break that habit. It's in my control. I can do this.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my therapist and I know that she is right about the underlying problems, the triggers, and the fact that my binges are just a passion that I hide in fear of showing the world in a different way, but I think I took the information the wrong way and decided that it wasn't my fault, which made me binge more because every time I had the urge I would just give in. I have had a rough start to my summer, but I also have some good things going for me and I should focus on those rather than use the bad things as an excuse to binge. It makes no sense to prefer sitting alone in my basement eating massive amount of food only to purge them over hanging out with my friends, writing for my internship, or doing something else I enjoy. And I absolutely need to break the habit of associating watching TV with binging just because I feel guilty about sitting and doing nothing. It's summer, so I can relax and watch TV. It's allowed. Sure, my mom is probably to blame for that since every time I sit down at my computer or in front of the TV she starts nagging me about all this shit I have to do (which half the time is made up) and telling me I'm lazy, but, like Dr. Sorger said, once I realize that that is just the way my mom is and I have to accept that, I can learn to do things on my own time and not feel angry or guilty.

Well I'm going to get ready for my run. Let's hope my leg allows me to run...which was another thing that was depressing me. I love running but for the past few weeks I was unable to run and it was so frustrating. I felt like the only reason I went to the gym was to burn calories because I think every other cardio machine at the gym is sooo boring.

Wish me luck!