gave in..

Well I gave in and binged on friday. I feel like complete shit for it. I didn't think I would do it for so long but I did it all day. The only reason I stopped is because Taylor came over and then I ended up reining but of course pulled something and now my butt hurts. So the one thing I'm good at I can't even do. On saturday I ended up "YOLOing" with taylor and we decided to drive to Stockton to visit our friend tony. I kinda regret it just because I really did have a lot to do and I got nothing done. I have a quiz today and I studied a little yesterday but I was really hungover so I didn't really get that much done. I just need to run and I'll feel better. I hope I can work through the pain today.

home alone...not good

It's finally the weekend and I'm home alone. I have the biggest urge to binge but I really don't want to ruin these past two weeks or waste a whole day because I know once I start, I'll never stop. And I have an interview tomorrow for a camp counselor job over the summer so I need to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and not hate myself tomorrow. I'm trying to convince myself that I really don't want the food. I just don't know why I have this feeling. I know that once I eat to the point where I wanna kill myself I won't even enjoy the food. Just the fact that my parents aren't home...I just want to take advantage of it. All i want to do is sit on the couch and eat all day. I just dropped Taylor off at home and we made plans to meet at the mall later so I really have to be good today. I just can;t stop thinking about it. Right now I'm eating my usual pb on toast with fruit breakfast and I almost just said fuck it and binged on cereal. I;m glad I didn't but I don't know if I can control it all day. I know it won;t be just the cereal because when the cereal runs out and I purge it up, I'll want more food. I hid the oreos downstairs so I wouldn't be tempted by those. Those are probably the worst food we have in the house. I just went to the supermarket and stalked up on so much healthy food...why do I still want to binge? fuck.

it's been a while...

School's been pretty busy with exams and everything so I haven't really had time to sit down and write but I have some downtime today. I did speak with my therapist last week on the phone. I had to stay at school because I had a meeting and a review for bio that I ended up not going to. The last time I binged was last sunday so it's been over a week. I'm feeling a lot better than I did last week but my parents are in Portugal so I don't know how I am going to deal with being home alone. I'm already hearing that part of me telling me to take advantage of being alone. I just don't want to but at the same time I do. It wastes sooo much time. I know that if I binge once I'll keep going and get nothing done, then feel like shit the rest of the week. I need to find some other way to deal with being alone or some other way to take advantage of being home alone.

When is it going to end?

After two weeks of not binging I relapsed Saturday night and then again yesterday. I have so many exams and stuff this week and I wasted so much time binging even though I did study my ass off all weekend. Saturday night was weird. I literally stared at the box of granola for ten minutes. Put a piece in my mouth and spit it out but ended up giving in.
My therapy session was good. Dr. Sorger was very helpful as usual. She wants to help me channel my rebellious inner child in other places instead of binging and help me find out who I really am. I tend to identify myself with what I do, so when I do nothing of value or I don't do so well on an exam I feel like a complete waste of life.
I was just feeling so good before I binged and I really didn't want to for my mom. I know it's worrying her and I really don't want to put that extra stress on her. I just want this to end.